Want to know your future? Everything that will happen to you in the next ten years? Read this post.

No, I can't actually tell you your future ten years from now but, this is a fun little post where I can sarcastically tell you all about your drink personality!

 drinkvarieties

The bourbon drinker:

Neat, on the rocks, a side car of water? Drink it however you like but there is no denying it, if you are drinking a fine bourbon, you probably just finished wrestling a mountain lion with your bare hands in the middle of the woods somewhere or base jumped off a structure that has the shortest height requirement needed for a parachute. Just because you could. This is not to say bourbon is only a drink for the manliest men. It is a drink for the masses but if you’re indulging in this fine beverage, you must be kicking ass and taking names somewhere in the midst of your daily activities. 

  

The "I don't like beer, but I'll take a vodka!" drinker: 

There are two scenarios for this particular beverage. Either you like to get drunk, but don’t like the taste of alcohol and choose a variety of mixers or chasers to easily cover its taste, or you are from Russia. A drunken night at the bars might sound awesome to you, or you might be impervious to bone-chilling cold weather and like to spend your time playing Russian Roulette with a rusty revolver while taking shots of a barren wood table in the wilderness. 

  

The "let's take tequila shots!" booze hound: 

If tequila is your drink of choice, well, then it probably means you are out to party. Whether it’s shots, a margarita or other variety of the liquor, this is a drink that says, “I’m here to have a good time, possibly black out, and maybe start a fight," but with 110% enthusiasm, none the less. This drink usually comes with the personality of a social butterfly and a particular person who enjoys being the life of the party. 

 

The high-brow gin drinker:

Another liquor you can enjoy in a variety of ways. If you are a gin drinker, you might find yourself enjoying your own company at a bar, completely content with people watching, or with a small group of friends. A more pensive person, perhaps with intelligent content to add to the conversation, yet too shy to put in their two cents. That’s okay gin drinker! You’re observational skills are important too! 

 

Beer: 

Its not so easy to classify a beer drinker. With so many styles and types to choose from, we thought it'd be best to classify the beer drinker into 1 of 3 potential categories. All equally relevant, though. 

The "ballin' on a budget" beer drinker (i.e. the PBR hipster):  

If this is your drink of choice, on a cold day you might find yourself wearing seventeen different scarves and four jackets because, obviously, layers are cool. And let's not forget about the pants. Perhaps a pair of shorts that were once pants, but pants are too “in” these days so the best bet here is to take the path of the “action slacks” to save yourself from the dreaded mainstream. If PBR is your drink of choice, then when its beer o’clock you might be joyfully anticipating your watered down corn beer while romping your "fixie" bike home from your "saving the planet" job on some idle Tuesday. You may like the idea of parties and the bar scene, secretly, however, these events are such a part of pop culture these days that pretending to dislike these activities is a safer, much more hipster way of life.  

The "imports are better" guy: Think Staropramen, for example.

If imported beer is your drink of choice, more often than not, Belgian yeast is your main event and your best friend. It is important to note here that at any and all times, the import beer drinker is probably drinking their bubble gum beverage out of a glass that is bigger than a person’s head if it is not already being served in a beer boot while simultaneously inhaling some Polish dish smothered in sausage and pig hoof. The import beer drinker is a fun, loud friend who is always down for a brew and ready to frolic through the concrete jungle of bars in their local neighborhood.  

The micro-brew beer snob:

If micro-brews are your calling (yes Boulderites, we mean you), then you might be the type of person who would kill for a limited release beer that has been hopped, soured, or infused at some point during the brewing processes while still retaining some sort of zest that only a true beer snob would appreciate. Your super-taster abilities bring mad game to the table and there is no beer left untasted or flavorfully unanalyzed before the night is through. Back off PBR hipsters, your palates would be devastated after just one sip of our brettanomyces inoculated brews!

 

 The "pinky out" wine drinker: 

If wine is your drink of choice, well, then you may think that you are one classy S.O.B. Many varietals are delicious but this is one drink to be careful of. Unless you are a Sommelier, have extensive wine experience, or have some other exquisite explanation, do not, under any circumstances, try to explain body, tannin levels, or the finish of a wine to us "unsophisticated folk." Forest floor and rose petals?! Omm, "I'll take, What are 2 things I'd never put in my mouth for $500, Mr. Trebek." If you are around anyone who knows wine or has done their research, then chances are pretty good that your about to get served (and we don't mean more wine). This being said, if you are an individual who knows and loves wine, you are indeed a classy individual who most likely, doesn’t take too many risks but is always ready for the occasional, irresponsible night. 

  

Juice...Not gin and juice, just juice:

Now, we are on to the non-alcoholic stuff. Not that it is any less important; just less entertaining. And let's face it, so are you. But hey, we all love and respect our DD's.

If juice is your drink of choice, then you might love strict regimens of intense vitamins, fasting for weeks on end, and a 20 mile run to really get your day going. A go-getter, this is undeniable, however not the person to engage in a conflict willingly. And why should you? Its not your job to stop your drunk friend from embarassing themselves as they shamelessly hit on someone that's totally out of their league. You're a wholesome person willing to listen to all and any beef between friends. I mean, lets be serious, you drink the elixir of life and make the rest of us look like babbling fools on a Friday night. Juice drinker, you are important and we love you. 

 

Water: 

Like vodka, there are two scenarios for this beverage. You're not drinking, or its time to sober up.

Either you are holding onto the counter for dear life because its the day after your birthday and you have literally began to throw up your own organs from being so hungover, or you are a healthy, healthy person true Boulderite. Water is one of the drinks that makes me feel bad about myself because of those two things. I love water, but, most of the time I am in need of it because I have, in fact, drank too much the night before. There are rarely cases when I drink water because I just ran some ultra-marathon or did something active. So, here's to you Mr. Hydration. We salute you!

Now, where's my beer?


For those of you feeling disappointed because I skipped your favorite beverage, please, by all means, comment on this post and I will be sure to sarcastically poke fun at the alcohol (or not) you love most. Hopefully this was as entertaining for you to read as it was for me to write. Happy Thirsty Thursday!